If you’ve ever seen an issue of Us Weekly, you are probably familiar with their column, “What’s In My Bag?” The majority of the items in these celebs’ bags are beauty products and other cutesy knickknacks that were sent to them for free in exchange for being featured in their bag. If it were my bag, you would see mainly old receipts and wrappers from stores that put out free bowls of candy (that I always wait until no one is looking to grab from).

Alas, this post is not about what is in my bag but rather what is in my nightstand. If anyone from Us Weekly is reading this, “What’s In My Nightstand” would be a nice addition to your publication. Think of all the free night creams and eye masks celebs could acquire! I recently rented my apartment on Airbnb and in my quick attempt to make the place renter-friendly, I dumped the entire contents of my nightstand into a bag to hide away. Now that I am back and ready to restock my nightstand, I decided to actually take a look at what I’m shoving in there before putting it all back in. The following items have been in that drawer for years and I promise you none of them were sent to me in exchange for this publicity (however, I will totally sell out and promote any and all free products sent to me – publicist take note).

Here are some of the items in my nightstand:

A smoking bowl stored in a tan leather pouch with my name on it. The only items that have my name on them are those that I brought with me to sleepaway camp many years ago, so maybe this pouch had a life before it became storage for a bowl. It is also inscribed with the words Nova Scotia, a place I have never been to and most definitely could not point out on a map. Who the hell do I know that went to Nova Scotia?

The tiniest bag of marijuana you ever did see, which I found in the hallway of my apartment building one day while doing laundry. I have a perfectly good bowl yet I don’t actually plan to use this marijuana; the Jew in me just couldn’t resist something for free.

An expired pack of Eclipse gum. I never purchase gum so I’m not sure where this came from. I absolutely hate the sound of people chewing and cracking their gum, it gives me that “nails on a chalkboard” sensation. However, if I’m the one chewing gum, it doesn’t bother me, but it feels a bit hypocritical. I know that if I had an outer body experience and Dyana One heard Dyana Two chewing gum as loudly as she does, Dyana One would shoot Dyana Two in the head. Also, who knew gum expired?

A wide assortment of pills. These pills are stored in a Tic Tac box and two small Advil bottles. I visited a favorite site of mine, pillfinder.com, to learn exactly what these unidentifiable pills are.
The following are what I found:
Ambien – Every time I travel on a long plane ride I get just enough Ambien for the flight there and back. I never actually take them though. I’m the person who hates going to the movies because they are just naps I have to pay for. Ambien is the antithesis of the drug I need. I have no problem falling asleep. It’s staying awake that’s often an issue.
Xanax – Back in my Spring Break days, I developed an affinity for this drug after visiting la farmacia. Over the years I have tended to collect them from willing friends because I think I sometimes gets bouts of anxiety. Of course, I’m too anxious to actually take any of them.
Diet Pills – I should have known better, I do know better, but I must have purchased them anyway in a time of weakness. Hardly took them though because shocker, they didn’t work.
A Mix of Hydrocodine and Acetaminophen – Pain relievers that may or may not have been prescribed to me. Unclear.
Concerta – I’m pretty sure I stole these from my sister since she used to take them years ago. I texted her to ask when she stopped taking them and she wrote back “I have no idea, why?” So, I know it was a while ago but maybe, she would remember if she still was taking them.
An Advil – Just one.

A $50 gift certificate to Hard Rock Cafe that I tried to sell on Ebay but was quickly sent a cease and desist email (or whatever the Ebay equivalent to that is) to take it down.

Multiple gift certificates to Aeropostale. I own zero items of their clothing and I’m fairly confident I’ve never been to one of their stores. Upon visiting their website I know that I sure as hell am not their target market because every single model is wearing a shirt with their stomach exposed.

A camera. A Canon PowerShot to be exact, containing pictures from when I looked good enough to be photographed in a bikini, circa a trip to Cabo in 2008. This camera is pretty similar to the Canon PowerShot that my parents recently purchased for me for my trip to Europe because “I only use my iPhone for photos. I need a real camera!” Oops, my bad.

Multiple business cards including an Uber driver whose Facebook page looks like it’s filled with terrorist propaganda and the card of a woman who hit my car; she works at NBC Universal and I may contact her for a job.

Frozen yogurt frequent customer cards. I’m talking Twist, Yogurtland, Bloomies, Menchies, and Toppings, to name a few.

Two sleep mask. I never wear these. I tried once but the mask slipped right off my tiny head. Not that I need to wear them because again, I have no trouble falling asleep.

A mezuzah (or so I thought). I purchased this mezuzah before I moved to Los Angeles, almost 5 years ago, while I was in Israel. Technically, the mezuzah is the piece of parchment containing verses from the Torah and what I have is just the decorative case. When I attempted to buy the needed scroll at a local Chabad I ran out of there in a fit of confusion, feeling that somehow my own religion was trying to lure me into their cult. Also, there was no way in hell I was spending $95 on a tiny piece of paper.

Lots of samples of lube. A visit to the Pleasure Palace resulted in a lifetime supply. Unless it expires.

These keys. I have no clue who they belong to or what they unlock. Anyone?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *