“What am I doing??” This is the thought that crosses my mind almost daily while I am in between jobs. The life of a freelancer, it’s not easy. On the flip side, I tried the corporate game for two years, and by the end I wanted to slam the cover of the copy machine over my head like the pillow in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” I just checked and I don’t have a trust fund, so that option is out. I recently had some random guy–albeit a business owner–contact me on Facebook (geez, even Facebook’s a dating app now?) to ask me out. I’m not completely shallow, but I could not get past the gigantic mole in the center of his forehead. I felt like if I went out with him I’d develop the same turrets that Mike Myers had in “Austin Powers”… Guca… MOLE.
So, marrying just for money is sadly something I can’t see myself doing. And becoming a comedy writer, well, harder than I originally thought. You see the conundrum I’m in?
I wrote about being mindful in my last blog post. Honestly, I’ve pretty much reverted back to my old ways since my trip to Miraval. I clear my plate at every meal and I text, watch television, paint my nails, pee and snack all at once. Where was I going with this?
The point is, as I tackle the voice on repeat in my head asking “What am I doing?” I know the best thing to do is to stay in the present moment. Because so often, I become debilitated with worry. What am I doing? Do you know the odds of success in this industry? Do you want to be 40 and still making less than the soon to be employees at McDonalds? Who cares about a stupid mole, you idiot! I pile on the negativity like a tourist from Mississippi at breakfast buffet in Vegas (did you know they have the highest rate of adult obesity and it’s the most fun state to spell?). I become so stressed out about how everything I write must be perfect, that I stifle myself from writing at all. This is not productive. I know that. But I have to combat it every day.
I realize how important it is to train myself to be present. Live in the moment. I can’t think about the past and wonder, “Did I make a mistake?” Similarly, it only harms me to try to look forward, fearfully guessing, “What will become of me?” It’s in the present, that I realize how lucky I truly am. Just last week, I was on vacation with my parents in Colorado. How lucky am I that my father invited me on a vacation (fine, I invited myself. But he said yes) and treated me to dinners at five star restaurants? How cool is that I got to work on television shows like”Entourage” and “Happy Endings” where I got to party with the stars of the show (I actually was invited to a party at Adrian Grenier’s house but I instead had to fly home for a wedding… geez, I’m a good friend.)? Some people come to Los Angeles and struggle to even get a job in the industry. I’m even doing better than The Real Housewives of Beverly Hill’s Kim Richards, who was just found to be living out of her car (I say this because I have an apartment and a car). If I take it day by day I can find the good in all that I have.
I just read Amy Poehler’s book “Yes Please,” and she offers this career advice: “hard work doesn’t always matter.” So you should just let go. “Try to care less… practice ambivalence. Let go of wanting it.” I just want to be happy. And maybe, it’s not by achieving an end goal but by learning to enjoy every day, one day at a time. Even just writing this helped me briefly forget that I am unemployed, scratched my car against a pole for the millionth time this morning, was told by a person at the gym that my body is crooked, and live in a city where gangs are running around trying to kill random people. UGH, what a depressing day. But, thank the comedy gods for “Wet Hot American Summer” on Netflix. If I didn’t grow up in the Jewish suburbs where sleep away camp was a rite of passage, I wouldn’t fully be able to appreciate this comedic masterpiece. I’d say #blessed if it wasn’t for my overwhelming aversion to seeing someone write #blessed. So there it is–I just answered my own question. What am I doing? Watching Wet Hot. Again.