So today I am stuck in New Jersey, at my parent’s house, waiting for the wrath of Hurricane Sandy to hit.  My plan to get in and get out of town this weekend to avoid my FOMO (fear of missing out) from acting up,  was a hashtag fail.  If I didn’t know better, I’d hardly be concerned with the light drizzle and the slight winds outside of my bedroom window.  Turn on any tri-state news channel however, and get ready to crap yourself in fear. I didn’t pay attention to who said it, but a quote from someone obviously bearing enough significance to be quoted in the first place said, “this could be the worst catastrophe we see in our lifetimes.”  I now have visions of cows flying by my window a la “Twister,” and my windows being shattered by rushing water a la “Titanic,” except there’s no Leo Dicaprio to soften the blow.  On the upside, I’m not in a farm town, and I’m pretty sure we don’t have any cows nearby.

 I’ve never met a Sandy that I liked.  To be fair, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone named Sandy.  But, what about Sandy from “Grease”?  I did not like that one.  That’s how you respond to a complete asshole?  A guy you hooked up with is now completely ignoring you in front of his friends and you go and change everything about yourself to fit his ideal?  Sandy!  Sandy!  You stupid, bitch.  You’re just like that other Sandy.  The hurricane.  Both of you are terrible.  

But at this point, all we can do is prepare.  I have a flashlight next to my bed that is labeled with my full name on it.  At the time it was purchased, it was meant for ghost stories and going on late night visits to the boy’s bunks at sleepaway camp.  Now I assume the name will come in handy if all havoc breaks loose and looters take the streets, at least no one will be able to claim my flashlight as their own.

My mother “stocked” our house with non-perishable food in case the power goes out and our refrigerators don’t work.  I put stocked in quotes because my mother has a skewed view of what an adequate amount of food is.  She’s like the anti-Jewish mother in the sense that instead of being a food pusher, she is a food restricter.  Any food brought into the house that does not fall into the category of a superfood (see the myriad of health and wellness magazines around the house if unfamiliar with the term) is banished to the freezer.  I found pita chips and all organic tortilla chips in there!  Chips!  In the freezer!  I’m going to starve!

And now for a few more irrational and somewhat shallow fears:

I only packed for the weekend, thus, my underwear supply count is short.  If we lose power, that means no laundry.  I’d go commando but if swept away in a tidal wave, will I be embarrassed by the major camel toe seen through my wet leggings?

And speaking of wet clothes, major pet peeve #203 here, I hate when the bottom of my pants get wet.  A lesson I learned my first year of college, Juicy jumpsuits were not meant for outdoor wear in inclement weather. 

I finally got a copy of Mindy Kaling’s book “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?” once I could afford the more reasonable Amazon used book price of $7.99 vs. the ridiculously expensive $24.99 of the original hardcover.  And let me tell you, I would be pretty pissed if I paid the full price, because this book, while hilarious, offers about 1-2 hours max of entertainment.  I’m trying to regress my reading back to a first grade level so that I can prolong the time it takes to read this book!  And yes, I still read paperbacks and do not own an iPad, Kindle, Nook, Cuddly, etc.  But when the power goes out, one point for us laggards (Love. That. Word.).

If the weather really picks up, is the dog going to poop in the house?   And will my propensity for accidentally stepping in dog shit outside of the home stay true for inside as well?

There is a chance that Hurricane Sandy could be similar to the “Perfect Storm” that hit the east coast back in 1991,  if a unique combination of weather fronts combine.  I know I saw the movie “The Perfect Storm” and while I don’t remember much, I’m pretty sure I didn’t like it.  Probably because it wasn’t a happy ending.  I prefer to watch things more light, like “Happy Endings.”  Which if the power goes out, I won’t be able to watch this Tuesday night!

Even as I write this, I can hear the winds picking up.  I have all the lights on, the television blaring, my laptop and iphone next to me, savoring what could be my last few hours with electricity.   I’m praying that all my friends and family nearby and in New York City remain safe.  And that my friends in Los Angeles keep their mouths shut about the 85 degree weather which I arguably chose to leave.

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