So today I did something I don’t normally do – I stopped before acting impulsively. Last night I heard the elephants again, but this time, it was a new type of banging – they were mating. Needless to say, it was not a pleasant way to be awoken at midnight. Besides being tired the next day, these elephants who live above me could force me to gain 33 pounds over the next 16 years according to this article I briefly skimmed:

If I’m going to plump up, it better be from glutenous stuffing of my face at the Grilled Cheese Truck , not because the elephants above me are doing tribal dances at 2AM. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I grabbed my laptop and crafted what I think is a convincing (although, false) plea on my behalf:

Dear Residents Above,

I write to you in hopes that you will understand the distress that I am in. While I am sure you are unaware, the loud banging and thumping that is constantly going on in your apartment during the later hours of the evening, is wreaking havoc on my life. I live below you, and I have not been able to sleep throughout the night without being awoken by your banging. It is affecting my daily concentration because I am so tired. I fell asleep at my desk this afternoon and came very close to losing my job. I actually started snoring on a client conference call, which obviously made my boss furious. What’s even worse though, is I have my elderly father living with me, who is affected by the noise greatly. He is a Civil War veteran and often has nightmares. The loud noises cause him to dream that he is under attack, which elicits screams and panic attacks almost nightly. Last night the banging close to midnight, which I could very much tell was that of “love-making,” threw him into an awful spell that I had to talk him down from. I know this is not your concern, and you are free to do as you wish in your own apartment, but if you could make any effort to walk lightly, not slam doors, rearrange furniture, or do whatever it is that causes such loud banging, out of the kindness of my heart I would be forever grateful. God bless your souls.


Your Fellow Resident Below

The letter was printed and ready to go, when I had a gut feeling I should run this by my roommate and mother, to get their opinion. While amused, neither thought I should slip them the letter. My luck, they would ask to apologize to my elderly father and since I’m new in town, I don’t know any old guys just yet, to play the part. So I hold the letter in my grasp and wait. Now casting – extremely old guy. Headshots needed.

One Response

  1. haha that is great. I say send it to them… maybe just delete the part about the elderly father… the part about almost losing your job i think would do the trick! good luck w/ it!

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