This past weekend I made out with a boy in a club. I’ve always found the act of kissing a complete stranger in a dark club bizarre. Personally, I try to only partake in this behavior in Las Vegas, where it’s pretty much protocol. A group of people are squished together in a hot room, music so loud you can’t hear a thing, and a random guy approaches. He’s cute, maybe? It’s dark and I’m slightly inebriated. We chat briefly, but really, I nod because after shouting, “WHAT?” more than twice, it’s just awkward. When I enter a club I essentially turn into Helen Keller – I am deaf, dumb, and blind. This particular Friday, I had gone to the beach at noon and ended up in my same apparel 12 hours later. I’m talking no make-up, no ironed hair, no underwear – I was woefully unprepared to be out in public, especially at a trendy nightclub. Yet, I’m easily persuaded and when my friend convinced me to throw on my beach clothes for happy hour I agreed. When she said “let’s go out,” I whined but got into the cab. And as my friend hopped up onto a table at the club and started dancing, I jumped on up too and tried to keep my legs crossed, resulting in a what looked like a pee-pee dance. As I’m on the table, the aforementioned gentleman was up there too and latched onto my cross-legged wiggle. I saw his mouth move so I assumed he was saying something to me, but all I could think about was how closely he resembled Draco Malfoy.
Then, Draco pulled me in close and went for the kiss. ” Oh, guess we’re doing this now.” I think he was a good kisser but my mind was wandering as I thought to myself, “Who are you? It’s so weird that I don’t know who you are!” This went on for a bit – we’d kiss, he’d say something, I’d say something unrelated back, on account of my deafness, and then we’d kiss again. One of those times he leaned in and said “Want to get out of here?” I was about to say, “Yes!” but I then realized he meant with him. STRANGER DANGER! You are a stranger! Did you go to camp with my best friend’s cousin? Fine. Do our grandmas play mahjong in the same circle in Boca? Great, let’s go. But, I don’t know who the hell you are! I avoided the question, and I really wanted to avoid him, yet we ended up on the dance floor instead. CRACK! FUCK!!! I felt a seething pain as I looked down and saw Draco had stepped on my toe and completely cracked my toe nail. Blood seeped out from all ends. Well now, random stranger, I hate you! I just got a pedicure! You think those are cheap? I’m unemployed for Christ’s sake! I think it was at that point that I realized I didn’t care about being rude, did a one-eighty, and walked away from Draco without another word spoken. Luckily, I had a hooded sweatshirt on, so when he popped outside the club to find me, I hid beneath it. Goodbye my weekend make out, we had our time, but you’ll always remain a stranger to me.