So today I woke up at 8:30AM…on a Sunday…and felt well-rested after a 12-hour night sleep. While I am not ready to accept adulthood, I am unable to revert back to the time when I could start my night at midnight and not be coherent enough to remember how it ended. However this weekend, I managed to bypass the college years and turn the clock back even further in time. I regressed to the days when seeing Mickey Mouse would count as a quality celebrity sighting. Sadly, I didn’t get to meet the Mouse, but I did have a Pooh sighting! Check out my Pooh-parazi shot.

Where else could I have traveled to but the ultimate mecca of youth, Disneyland. It was as magical as I imagined. There was Fantasyland, Adventureland, Tommorowland – so many lands to explore. Amongst all this wonder was a species that took over, hailing from The Land of the Free: America. Before me was the character I had heard about but never really seen, the Ugly American. These creatures came in hordes, sporting fanny packs, manny packs and the horrific results of DIY hair dye. So this is who watches “Two and a Half Men.” My biggest pet peeves, adult braces and adult pigtails, were rampant amongst these folks. And these adults, who exhibited these childish styles, had children of their own, who ran around like wild animals. What are these things? Back in LA, the dogs at Runyon Canyon are better behaved. I had to physically restrain myself from pushing Cameron, one such child in front of us in line, into the Koi pond. The kid was climbing on railings, fake rocks, rope and anything else he could grasp onto, while his parents acted as if he wasn’t in danger of severe bodily injury. I couldn’t help but loudly tell Dani, “Look at that real gold in the pond,” which Cameron immediately stuck his head under the railing to reach for. If the parents weren’t gonna teach him a lesson, then I guess it was up to me.
And boy do these people love to buy crap. More of them than not were sporting overpriced headpieces, be it Mickey’s ears or Goofy’s hat. While these things could be amusing in unexpected setting, these tchotchkes (Yiddish for useless shit) lose their value when everyone is wearing the exact same thing. It’s not funny/cool/interesting or any other adjective for “awesome” if everyone else has it. Do these people not get the E! Network? Joan Rivers would have gone into cardiac arrest from the over-stimulation of so many fashion faux pas at once. I literally saw a woman’s butt eating her own pants! And not only do they wear crap, but they eat it too. There were people walking around chomping on a leg of turkey the size of a butch soccer player’s calf. A child so young she couldn’t even speak sucked on an oversized lollipop – her first hit of the drug that will lead to a lifelong sugar addiction.
On a trip through Innovationland, Dani and I competed in a TV trivia contest against an eight-year old and the Caucasian version of the kids from Jon & Kate Plus Eight, with the most blatant promotion of ABC it was almost insulting. (Although not, because ABC does have amazing programming, including what is sure to be the next great hit, “Happy Endings, airing later this season!) What was more insulting though, was that the damn moderator let the eight-year old answer the final question when I had clearly pushed the button first! Now that was ageism. Feeling old again, we returned to my apartment and both passed out fully dressed on the couch at 8:30PM, just like my grandpa does at most family functions. While Disneyland was a great time, I knew I truly belonged back here in LA, where I could be proud that we went to bed without even eating dinner, valuable calories saved.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *