Resolve to NOT make New Year’s Resolutions

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Overpriced juice cleanses. Chris Christie. Cats as pets. The name of the game is “things I think are dumb.” And along those lines, I would add New Year’s resolutions to the list. I know there is a good chance that many of you reading this may disagree. You plan to make a resolution, hell, you have several, what’s wrong with that? Sure, make your resolutions. But know that you’ll probably fail. Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but statistics show that only 8% of people are successful in achieving their goals. Pessimist view: 92% aren’t.

I say all this because I want the best for you, my friends, family and rando followers from the worldwide web. I want you all to succeed. I’m not against goal setting; actually, it has been jammed into my head by my mother, the wellness coach, that all successful people must set goals. I may have even dabbled in the creation of a vision board… However, the part I find dumb is that everyone feels the need to set these lofty goals at the exact same time. Come Valentine’s Day, there you are again, face deep in a box of heart-shaped chocolates, watching “The Notebook,” alone (I said you, not me). Your resolutions to lose weight and find a significant other, forgotten. Every year, it’s the same thing. It’s January 1^st and the pressure is on. It’s January 15^thand all is forgotten. Just because the date changes, doesn’t mean you have to. Or should. Why make resolutions you know you can’t keep?

We all need motivation to change. Maybe it’s not until March that the button on your jeans will come flying off like in my favorite Subway commercial; that’s when you realize it’s time you cut back on the buffets and be more like Jared.

Or, after your boyfriend takes you to the aforementioned Subway for your birthday dinner, you resolve to stop dating cheap-ass scrubs. Once that motivation is there and you feel the need to change is a must, then you should, on your own, do so. And, if you’re going to set a goal, make it quantifiable. Saying something vague like “I want lose weight” or “I want to volunteer more” isn’t going to cut it. You want to lose how many pounds? Do your favorite J Brands no longer fit and you could stand to lose 5 lbs or are you often mistaken for Rebel Wilson and need to lose 150? If you want to volunteer more, how much are we talking? If the last time you did anything nice for anyone was when you were a candy striper in high school (and let’s be honest, that was just for your college resume) maybe start by trying to volunteer every three months. Or, if all your friends refer to you as “Mother Teresa Junior,” vow to volunteer once a week.

If I were to make a New Year’s resolution in just two days, it would be to write on my blog every week. But, I’m not going to do that. I admit it’s something I want to do but I know it won’t happen at this current time. Maybe it would if I end up unemployed again with too much time on my hands. Or, if some big company wants to buy my blog and pay me to write weekly (that happens, right?) then I’d make that resolution. But at this point, I’d rather not make goals I can’t keep. However, if you still feel so inclined to make a New Year’s resolution (and let me guess, you also bought glasses with 2014 around the lenses and used your first month’s rent to buy a ticket somewhere) may I make a suggestion? Are you familiar with the Chinese fortune cookie game – the one where after reading your fortune out loud you add “in bed” to the end of it? Similarly, try adding “once” to these common resolutions:

10: Exercise once

9: Have sex once

8: Clean the bathtub once

7: Be nicer to my sibling once

6: Run once

5: Eat healthy once

4: Drink less once

3: Volunteer once

2: Save money once

1: Enjoy life once

I’ll write on my blog once, that much I can promise. Cheers to achieving your resolutions, no matter when you make them!

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