So today I started my day at 4AM. Actually, it was the monster who lives under my bed that rattled my bed frame, waking me up. Your mind does funny things when you can’t see. I’ve never seen who lives in the apartment directly above me but in my head I’ve started to pictured a crew of elephants…in tap shoes…having a grand old time, Fantasia-style. The amount of banging that I have to listen to provides a constant interruption to my slumber, both early morning and late at night. At least Fantasia wore ballet shoes. I used to like elephants – not anymore. I’ve considered going all Mr. Heckles on their asses, but I fear they may pull me into their den and sit on me. No one wants elephants as enemies. So instead I keep my complaints about the noise to myself, and mainly my mom, who has to listen to me bitch as part of her parental duties (should have considered this before having me). So when I awoke at 4AM to my bed furiously shaking, my mind spit a stream of potential reasoning – monster under the bed was of course the first logical one. Then I thought the elephants had taken up parkour and were causing this enormous ripple effect. Then I thought the elephants had found out about my disdain, called their friend the monster and told him to really rattle me up. I finally realized I’m not a character from Where the Wild Things Are and that OMG – I had experienced my first earthquake! Without my contacts in I may as well be Ray Charles, so not being able to see left a lot to the imagination. I pictured my makeup being thrown off my counter, shattering my glass perfume bottle. Clothing flying off the hangers. My flat screen TV crashing to the floor. All while this enormous vibration shook the room. I heard a ton of noise, including my wind chime-like lamp shade making harsh music. It stopped as sudden as it began, and I realized my heart was pounding, my body sweating, and my bladder was begging to be released. No way. I don’t know how these things work! What about after-shocks? I’m not getting up to pee, risking being thrown from the toilet! So I held it in and soon discovered that I not only had to pee, but that I also was absolutely starving. Just great. I was so proud of my previous semi-rex day during which I ate a salad for both lunch and dinner and now it is completely backfiring. But I’m not going to the kitchen to have an after-shock shake the fridge door open, causing a ricochet of turkey meat, lettuce and probably past-it’s-due-date sour milk fly out at me. Because then I would definitely be too afraid to get into the shower – no way am I going to be discovered dead, naked on the floor, after hitting my head from the earthquake – my body is not prepared to be photographed sans clothing – so I would instead have to walk around smelly and covered in meat. I called my mom to complain and she told me to go back to sleep. “But there’s a monster under –” oh right, that was an earthquake. Fine. I tried to close my eyes and attempted sleep for about 30 seconds before I heard the rumble again. No, not an after-shock. But looks like I’m not the only one who was awoken by the earthquake. The elephants are up and ready to dance!
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