So today I would like to thank my parents for raising me to be able to function as a competent human being in everyday society. The actions I saw displayed today made me question how so many around me are socially retarded, and I’m not talking about the homeless schizophrenic outside my office who has animated conversations with a telephone pole (because I know it is insensitive to make light of the mentally ill). I’m referring to the everyday people, from the octogenarians to the kids in strollers and everyone in between. The behavior I saw, all before 10AM, would never have been tolerated in my household. My first sighting occurred as I was walking up Madison Avenue and my early morning daydream of lying in bed with the newly buff Dan Humphrey of Gossip Girl was interrupted when I had to jeer to the edge of the street to avoid the massive gathering of pigeons, polluting the sidewalk. Why had these infested creatures decided to congregate on the corner of 35th and Madison and not say, a park, or by an alley with a rotting animal carcass? Because an elderly lady took it upon herself to serve bread to all the pigeons for breakfast. Feeding random animals is gross. You want to feed someone lady, how about my homeless friend right up the street? I stopped in the bank to go to the ATM and as I walked in, I was greeted with the sound of a child shrieking at the top of his lungs, while his barely legal mother popped her gum and discussed telenovelas with her friend, completely ignoring the kid’s inappropriate behavior. He kept on yelling, not because anything was wrong, but with a smile on his face, proud of his vocal capabilities. I grabbed my money, ran past the pigeons, and got to the office. Before I could even get my headphones out to plug into Pandora and thus try to trick my mind into forgetting that I was stuck in this seat for the next eight hours, I heard a series of clicking sounds behind me. What the…oh, of course. My neighbor was giving himself a manicure and clipping his nails at his desk! What are the chances all of those clippings are going to end up in one neat collection in his garbage pail? I shielded my coffee from flying debris and crouched down in my seat, fearful of anymore human interaction.
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