So today I arrived at work to find a coffin sitting at the front door. “Oh my god,” I thought, “Vampires do exist!” Twilight, True Blood…warnings preparing us for the real life vampire takeover. Freaky. I got a little closer and read the sign underneath the coffin, “Asbestos kills.” Who is Asbestos? Is he some Mexican gangster? I rushed upstairs to my office, bugged out about the killer Mexican vampire on the loose.
Peering out of the window, I had to laugh at the whole spectacle. So many questions went through my mind.
How did this coffin get here? Do you think a hearse was used? Or did two big guys hurl it on the subway this morning and then drag it up Madison Avenue? Where in the hell do you buy a coffin from – I’d sooner know how to purchase crack cocaine than a coffin. And how do you explain that it isn’t being delivered to a funeral home, but rather, you’ll just take it to go? How much did that thing cost? Enough that the owner would be pissed if some Pro-Asbestos advocates got a little angry and roughed it up?
On my way out to lunch, I got brave and peaked into the coffin. “Interesting,” I thought, “This does not look anything like Edward Cullen.” How did this large dummy come to be dressed up in a construction worker hat and huge sunglasses? I could just picture it, two guys in an apartment. “Hey, man, not my Ray-Bans, I just got those.” “Sorry, sorry.” “Check in my closet, I think I have some of those neon ones from my cousin’s bar mitzvah.” “Something’s missing…oh, wait I know!” Boy Two runs to grab something from under his bed. Stole this beauty from a nearby construction site.” Boy One smiles, “Let’s go show Asbestos who’s boss.”
**I do in fact know what Asbestos is. I don’t however, understand how placing a large coffin outside my office building will help the situation.